Old and new

Hey there!

I woke up this morning thinking about a poem I wrote ages ago. I looked it up on MySpace (I kept a blog on there back in the day) and copied it on here, with two other scraps that I liked. Amazing how I wrote this stuff five years ago! Seems like yesterday...

mei 2007

How should I pray
I don't remember
how to open up and
touch the core within
how to face the light
to become small and to grow
to become heart and soul
feel the truth like a glow
to find out what i've always known

the core
let me touch it
when i watch you i can see it
the core
how could i ask more

How should i pray
I got smart and forgot
how to put aside my ego
how to enter my deep center
how to become less than this but more than this aswell

How to face the whole creation facing nothing but myself
to become a contradiction
making sense in every way
to let go of rhyme and reason
to forget that I'm afraid
How should I pray

How to feel a higher power that is merely part of me
and lift me up to higher places where it's easier to see
the bigger pic the greater plan
where I belong in this reality

How should I pray

december 2007

walk with me

Some of them leave notes
others leave a mess
sometimes they leave shattered dreams
but that's my call I guess
Some of them are handsome
and some have things to say
but most of them are clueless
chicken out and run away

You are worse than some
and better than the lot
you remind me of the things
I always wanted but then forgot

You make me want to grow
into a better me
I want to walk with you
atleast for now, the rest we'll see  

september 2007

I've been looking out for answers

looking up into the sky

looking down my own dark alley

left and right and round and round

I've been searching for the logic

I've been searching for a rhyme

I've been confused and disappointed

searching seemed a waste of time

I've been wishing for a blessing

I've been wishing for a break

I've been hoping, wanting, praying

while happiness was just mine to take

I've been waiting for deliverance

I've been waiting for a sign

I've been trying to hold on

but letting go made it all mine

Hear hear.

Had a really good evening yesterday with Bede. He's such a good musician, I feel priviliged to be in his audience. And he does impressions, I almost pissed myself laughing yesterday :) The more reserved guy I hadn't really gotten to know yet turns out to be great company. He'll be around so I guess we'll see more of eachother the coming days.

I also met this sweet Australian guy, a juggler (anyone see a pattern here? :)) He walked me home last night and stayed over... nuf said, good times :) Not sure if he's gonna show up today, but strangely enough I don't really care. Either way is fine. Enough stuff to do, plenty of people to meet. Lately I don't seem to be able to get hung up on stuff anymore.

Shower and breakfast. And I'm gonna figure out a little sight seeing trip for later.

Much love, godspeed!

Tinie xox

Basecamp Pokhara, 29 oktober

Dear readers,

the ones who read this regularly must be wondering what I am doing online so soon. Yeah, the big trek turned out not as big as I thought it would be. Thank God for Paki inviting me to do Poon Hill, thank God I didn't do the ABC nor that alternative trek that both take atleast ten days... at the end of day one I could feel this stabbing pain in my right knee, the pain that got me last time I went skiing... The next day was fine, a little stab once in a while, no biggie. But day three was constantly descending these pretty big stairs, so I was in a lot of pain and in the end of the day my left knee was f***ed too, by the compensating the right one.... AWESOME!! Yeah, I was pretty stupid thinking my knees were gonna be fine in the Himalaya. Therefore: day four riding back with a jeep to Pokhara...

But eventhough the trek was a little one, it was still worth while! It was soooooo beautiful and it felt wonderful to be hiking in nature. So grateful for having the ability to experience that energy and riches. It was challenging and rewarding, met some nice people on the road and Paki turned out great. Well I guess the pics speak for themselves. I will leave some with comments soon.

Walking and enjoying the scenery leaves space to think. So here are the latest big thoughts I don't want to keep from you. Be warned :)

The triple W:
Don't WANT: If you want certain things you are vulnerable to disappointment. As the Buddha says: desire is the cause of suffering. Ofcourse there is always the need for certain things, but that's where your self-knowledge comes in: do I want this or do I need this? Honesty and discipline to discriminate between the two and give up the wanting certainly helps to find that road to bliss.

Don't WORRY: Worries are a buzkill. But the past is past, the future is not happening yet. So stay tuned into the here and now, and let go of the stuff you have no control over. Realize how arrogant it is to think you are fully in charge; you're not. Relaxing in your current situation, accepting your reality rather than criticizing it, acting upon what is going on here and now for the sake of following your true self rather than acting upon irrelevant past or future situations, or for the sake of other peoples approval, might be a good way to get back to that flow you need to go with.

Don't WAIT: The kind of waiting that makes you pace up and down the room or tap your fingers on the table is a total energy-eater. Don't do it. Do something you like instead. Don't drop that appointment or whatever it was that presented itself and then made you wait, just don't cut yourself off from other impulses/stimuli that might present themselves. A person who is waiting is wasting precious energy, with a big chance of getting frustrated. Don't wait, do it. Who knows if what you are waiting for is ever going to happen!

Beade commented that it might be a good idea to rephrase the triple W positively, rather affirming what you should do insteadof saying what you shouldn't, and I agree that affirmation usually is more affective than denying. So we came up with the triple C: Be Content, Confident and Continue!!!

Godspeed you perfect being!!! Do it!

(with a big up to Kalei for pushing me further by just being himself)

Hugs and kisses xox Tinie

At Devi Falls, Pokhara

                                     

With Sita and her nephew

Sita and her sisters

Sita's youngest son and his cousin

Jessica!

Check out the mountains!

Check out that view!

Jessica and I hiked up to the World Peace Pagoda, the most obvious landmark at the lake

View over Pokhara from the Pagoda

 

Begnas Lake

Crossing Begnas

Pic taken by Hans Logghe's brother, at a posh resort across the Begnas lake

Boating back to where we came from, and being totally late...

First day of Poon Hill hike: breakfast break

Paki and me

Thousands and thousands of stairs... I'll dream about these mother*******

Sunrise as seen from the lodge on second day of Poon Hill hike

Wild ganja, and lots of it

Flowers for Light Festival, and BIG mountain!

View from Gorepani

View from the room

Sunrise seen from Poon Hill

I am one happy trooper!!

Here it comes!!

Mesmerizing view... goosebumps

Seen on the hike back down

Hot springs at Tatopani

View from the room in Tatopani

 

The jeep that saved my life :)

Pokhara, 25 oktober

Hey hey

writing this from my current livingroom, being the restaurant/lounge area of the guesthouse where I am staying at. Peace Eye Lodge... grows on ya. it's about as relaxed as Varkala and we know what happened there: I got stuck!  Love this place though, I'm meeting really cool people, and I am as relaxed as it gets, which feels GREAT. There have been some attempts at leaving for a trek in the Annapurna area, but somehow that just didn't happen. Kalei, a guy I met here a couple days ago and I relate to in that way you relate to people you have known in a former life, or who just happen to vibe pretty much on the same wavelength..., well that guy was talking about this trek that doesn't really have the scenic views that you get on the ABC (Annapurna Base Camp) trek, but is totally remote, not touristy whatsoever and has marihuana patches all along it. Interesting... So I was down joining him and Paki, his friend (whom he met like two days before, that's how it goes here) on that trek. But then I started to understand it wasn't gonna be the three of us, but it was gonna be, each on their own little trip, so no commitment, just casually sharing some of the route with no attachment to one another whatsoever... so I was seeing myself already, alone in the middle of nowhere in the mountains, Kalei floating somewhere on shrooms or whatever ally he's hanging out with, and Paki heading back to the valley... Not a great picture. Then I considered just taking a guide for the sake of being safe in whatever possible situation. Kalei hooks me up withthis guide who knows the area, I talk with the guy, , and a girl I met here was interested in joining us, so that was it, the best of both worlds: alternative trek with interesting company, AND the security of a guide who knows what he's doing... but after an hour or so I meet that girl again and she says she changed her mind and is doing the ABC anyway. So I decided I didn't want to go with the dudes, although that trek appealed me big time AND I totally enjoy Kaleis and Paki's company.... just didn't want to get myself into trouble in case they went wandering off, right. I decided to join the girl with that organized trek she was doing up the ABC. Great price, like half of what I was going to pay the guide on that alternative trek, and basically back to the initial plan. Annie (the girl) called the tour operator to say I was joining, and we were gonna meet at the trek briefing today at ten AM.
And then I decided to go to a lake this morning, tooka a boatride, had breakfast on the other side, and by the time i got back in Pokhara it was ten thirty and I totally missed the briefing... Annie who had been waiting for me to go there together didn't leave a message so I had no idea how to get a hold of her and I didn't know where that tour operator was at (there's hundreds of them here). Paki and I went out on the big lake boating and swimming. Great time. He suggested we do the Poon Hill trek (half way up the ABC trek, same scenery, less strenuous) together, he's done it plenty of times before. I liked that idea. When I got back, I met Annie and told her I changed my mind. Everybody happy. So I REALLY hope I am leaving on that trek tomorrow!!!!!

This whole silly story of constantly changing my plans is just an illustration of the current mood. I just don't feel like committing to anything, and I go with the flow. It's an interesting exercice in not getting stressed over having to do stuff, over people not being able to kep their promises and so on... cuz I haven't exactly been keeping mine either lately. I am getting to this point where I am just doing what I really want to do, not for the sake of some obligation, or schedule, or guilt towards others... and hoping that the people I am dealing with do the same. If nothing bothers you anymore, you're really golden, wherever you are. Waiting? Not in my book. Exspectations? Out the window. It's easy to go back with that fearful energy that makes you doubt stuff, and stress about stuff, but I try to hold that wonderful relaxed feel i have right now, taking with both hands whatever is offered me, and being genuinely happy with what is been given me.

So that's my reality right now.

Big hugs to all of you, and GODSPEED!!!!

xoxox Tinie

(pics follow after trek, but it's not a promise :))


So

Pokhara, 19 oktober

Hey all,

made it to Pokhara! I am stying at the Green Peace Resort, not exactly the lodge I was hoping to stay at, but it's near the lake and if I want the gorgeous views I just have to get my ass up and walk two mins. This place is absolutely wonderful, I love it already. It's exactly what I needed and I can see me stay here for a long time! Later I might check out the Peace Eye that Jenny told me about for the sake of not being as isolated as here and maybe meeting some other travellers, but for now I am actually happy to be as isolated as this and just suck in the beauty and quiet of this place. I'm also all set for a mountain trek, so now all I need is the paperwork done (one needs a permission to go hike in the moutains here), a guide and maybe some company and off I go hoho up the Anapurna. I'll probably do the basecamp 1 trek, but who knows what other advice will come up the next days.

I am thinking a lot about the future as of late, maybe more than I should... the Saddhu told me I have to try and live NOW and stop musing over the future as much as I do. But how can I not think about tomorrow? I am wondering how I'm going to be able to pick up where I left off, to go back to school and teach, to live in Bruges again, to go back to the same old routine... I can't say I don't like my life in Belgium, I love it even, but there is some change needed and now would be the best time to get my mind around these changes. The changes are all about reorganising my life in order to be able to live it as integer as possible. The last months, years I have experienced that the biggest joy in my life comes from genuinity, originality, this feeling of truth manifesting simply and purely, straight from and back to the core of the beings involved. I remember people in Pushkar singing their traditional songs to me and how they moved me to tears. The temple in Udaipur packed with worshipping men and women of all ages and social classes, singing darshan, to live music so beautiful, it once again, made me cry. A family in Jodhpur inviting me in, sharing the little food they have, the mom giving me some of her own anklets as a gift. The good vibes shared with likeminded travelers. How good it feels to be myself and be appreciated for who I am, no more no less, surrounded by people who are just as real as anything else, without agenda's, masks or games. How good it feels to be part of this perfect creation, just one amongst the many but unique and great nonetheless, like everybody else.
Integrity is about being who you are, becoming the best you that you can possibly be, developing your talents, exploring yourself and the world around you to the fullest. I wanna be more aware of that and focus on personal growth towards that integrity not only in my personal life but also in the working field. I feel that in the world we deal with today, this process of growth involves so much more than just figuring out what job you wanna get and where, how and with whom you wanna live... Since the world is a village and we are all connected, there are so many responsabilities involved in that integer living. Our lifestyle has a direct impact on other people's lives. These days that impact goes beyond the community you live in, it goes beyond the country borders: it is global. Simply put: what the one person has too much of, is lacked by someone else. The food you put into your mouth, the clothes that you wear, the shampoo that you use, the car that you drive, the house that you build... what is their impact on the environment? Who took care of the processing, the packing, the transportation of the product? Did they get properly paid for it? Is the price you paid for it right? For many of you these questions must seem a headache, and not something one individual can or should take responsability for.... but that's exactly the whole problem: noone thinks it's really their problem so nothing ever changes. As consumers we are the boss though, we decide. Positive choices can be made.

I'm still struggling with many of those choices. It's not easy to be consequent, living and working in Belgium, being part of the system that seems to be living a life of it's own. Getting rid of the car, not eating meat or fish, not using harmful chemicals, not eating imported foods, not buying things that have been produced in poor circomstances by workers who have no rights,... it goes on and on and for many things I don't even KNOW if they are safe or not. Even labels aren't always as legitimate as we would hope. It takes an effort to change your shopping habits, your means of transport, your diet. Changing your lifestyle doesn't happen overnight. Still I feel that once the knowledge becomes an experience (come to India) it becomes almost self-evident to deal differently with certain things. You think twice before chucking great food that you can't eat anymore, once you've seen the countless beggars in the street. The injustice of the system is constantly in your face here, and it hurts, and there certainly are ways to change it.
So on the one hand I feel responsible for that change, since I am capable of reflecting on the matter and have everything my little heart can possibly desire, plus I just happen to have a problem with injustice. On the other hand there is also the realisation of the fact that this world or universe has EVERYTHING, so there is good and bad, rich and poor, sickness and health, joy and misery... and there might be no way out of this dualistic reality we are dealing with here... as my astrologist friend Charlotte once said: Earth is a pretty dark planet, it has light and darkness and therefore there are many trials, many challenges. Like a bootcamp for the soul...
I guess it's not a matter of changing the world, but a matter of changing yourself, taking your own responsabilities (that's basically what karma is about). The rest is out of your hands anyway. As my Indian friend Akshay said: You do your best, God does the rest. So that brings us back to the changes I wanted to make in my own little life. I shouldn't get into details here, I am supersticious and I wouldn't want to spoil my plans. Those of you who are closest to me already know what I am dreaming about... I pray that I have the strength to make it happen and not leave it to dreams alone!!

Ok, so far for today.

Thanks guys. Love y'all!

Greets & godspeed,
Tinie xox

Kathmandu, 17 oktober

Time keeps on slipping....

Hey dear readers,

a little update maybe, since I am here now anyway. I am developing a little internet- obsession as of late, probably has something to do with one of the last people I met. Maybe a tidy bit too eager to get a message... alas, no such luck so far.
So, since I am here, might as well.

About Kathmandu!
The day I flew in here from Varanasi I still felt weak, my throat hurt pretty bad and the only reason I was able to be up and about was the ibuprofen I took every five hours or so and the antibiotic treatment I reluctantly, but desperately had started the day before. The flight was peanuts, I just slept through it. What made the entry in Nepal a bit of a pain in the neck was the visa-application; most passengers didn't have a visa so I ended up waiting in line for over an hour, which gets kindov tiring, especially when you're supposed to be sleeping off a strep throat. But once I got past that it all went pretty breezy: I took a prepaid taxi to the Yellow House, where there obviously were no rooms available (just my luck), but some dude who jumped into the cab at the airport ushered me ever so kindly to the next hotel, where I am happily staying until this very day. I was a bit cautious at first, not liking the whole idea of being manipulated by another commission-bounty-hunter, but hey, it turned out a nice hotel, slightly over my budget but perfect for getting better, nicely situated, with warm water (took the best shower in weeks, hallelujah), clean, cozy and with a reasonable restaurant service. Who's complaining here? Not me!

It took a little effort to get myself to go explore. Maybe my health has something to do with that. I called Bertje (for those of you who don't know: he's a Belgian friend who has lived in Nepal for a while now, he's also married to a Nepali girl and they have an adorable little boy together) and he came by the next day to go to an ayurvedic doctor. The doc said I had 'a fever inside', gave me a disapproving look when I told him I was on antibiotics, and gave me a cough syrup and pills to clear my throat. I'm better ever since, but the coughing got worse, probably because the crap that has been stuck on my lungs is finally clearing up. The next day I was ready to go into town and I visited Durbar Square, the main square with the old palace and countless temples on it. Check pics! I especially enjoyed the people-watching from the steps of one of the temples. Great place.
When I was checking out the little market behind the main square, I had a nice talk with an Australian lady, Jenny, and she's awesome! Very interesting woman, glad we met. We visited the Monkey Temple together the next day, with a little local boy named Raju (check pics). Jenny had met him at that same market place and she had taken him out on a day trip before, which was obviously awesome for the kid. She has a knack at helping people, she has a friendly word for everybody and tries to do whatever she can, wherever she can. I admire her for that, for in a country where there is so much poverty and suffering everywhere, you tend to ignore it after a while, for the mere sake of not having a heavy heart all day. Pretty selfish I guess, there's not really any excuse for being blind to other peoples needs. I usually give a little money or food here and there, and that's it, but I'm really glad to have met Jenny who goes around buying water tanks and cars for people she hardly even knows... wake up call I probably needed.
In the evening I also met some cool French guys, Damien and Julien, so we're hanging out ever since. It's nice to have some like minded people around, and I enjoy speaking French! They think I'm a raving madwoman but also clearly show and speak their appreciation for my company, and that feels really nice. We visited Boudha together yesterday, the place with the biggest stoupa ever (check pics), believed to have relics of the real Buddha (Sidharta Gautama) inside of it.

Ok I gotta go, more later. Meeting the French for lunch, they're leaving back to France today.

Hugs and godspeed!

Durbar Square

Siva and Parvati

Cotton candy at Durbar Square

Popular Nepalese gambling game

Freak Street

Still at Durbar square

Me and Raju at Monkey Temple

Climbing up the stairs to Monkey Temple

Jenny

Monkey looting an altar at Monkey Temple

In front of the Stoupa at Boudha

Damien

Julien, me, Damien

Peace out!